The Right To Choo

The Right To Choo

Subtitle: The Permissive vs. Perfect Will of God

Sections

  • Initial Results
  • Discussion
  • Experiment

It’s come up again. The old battle. The Long War. The age-old question every man or woman must ask him/herself.

How many chuggas must be offered before one may choo-choo?

I have seen this question bandied about upon the Interwebs. None have dealt with it as seriously as the topic deserves, though discussion has been passionate and hot.

Today, we shall do so.

To explore this topic, I engaged a number of Marine Corps veterans with whom I served. They represent a diverse selection of viewpoints from all walks of life.

THE INITIAL RESULTS

According to Tyler, the number of chuggas may vary but must always be in multiples of 3.

Matt declares that there may be no fewer than 8 chuggas, as anticipation must be built for the choo choo. After further questioning, he clarified that the initial choo choo must take place after 8 chuggas, but that the train may choo freely afterward, provided the chuggas continue.

Jared C. attests that if the choo choo is on a deadline, then the number of required chuggas may be reduced to 4.

Jared L. stridently sermonized that one could simply choo choo right off the bat, but if chuggas were employed, that they were to be deployed 2x4 before a choo choo could be delivered.

Nate offered the viewpoint of the Space Force, which is 4 chuggas per choo choo. The dialogue then derailed, as the opinion was offered that TRAINS DON’T MAKE SOUNDS IN SPACE, whereupon Jared L. countered that if one was in the train in space, one would hear the train.

My sister-in-law claims that chuggas and choos must be perfectly balanced, as all things should be. One choo per chugga. This is just obviously wrong and has been dismissed out of hand.

THE DISCUSSION

Jared L. was brought into derision of the quorum for choo chooing immediately. Many theories were offered on his probable sexual prowess and behavior. Jared C. declared that if anyone chooed at him before they chuggaed, he’d call the police. This was applauded by the convention.

Jared L. maintained that he was understanding and accepting if one just wanted to “bite and get straight to the center of that delicious audible tootsie pop.” However, if one decided to chugga and failed to do a full set of 2x4, he would punt them off the ******ing planet.

A lengthy discussion ensued in which the Right to Choo was argued. Jared L. is decidedly Pro-Choo, while the author contends that the fabric of our nation requires chuggas.

ChatGPT was consulted at this point, and widely denigrated as it not only omitted chuggas entirely, but added another whole set of sounds such as hiss, clackety-clack, squeal and rumbling. The vote of the convention was “Thou shalt not make a machine in the likeness of a human mind,” and the opinion of the AI was cast aside.

The purpose of the choo choo was then argued. The author contends that the purpose of the choo choo is to release tension generated by the chuggas. Without sufficient chuggas, there remains no significant basis for a choo choo.

Jared L. flagrantly denied this, claiming loyalist propaganda and misinformation, as it is his stance that chuggas do not built up to choo choos, they measure the time between choos. He then digressed into some soliloquoy on America and how it was our constitutional right to CHOOse.

The author responded that a train may choo in the trainyard as a single sustained note, but upon actual movement, i.e. chuggas, the train must choo choo to release that tension.

The author has omitted the section on running a train in space and the audio properties thereof.

The scenario was then brought up if a train could chugga but NOT choo choo. The convention exploded into bedlam. Various conclusions were floated, including the probable destruction of the entire train at the unimaginable stress were it to chugga without choo choos.

The following theorem was then postulated and mostly agreed upon: One may choo without the chugga, but not chugga without the choo.

The possibility of a tactical choo choo with chugga suppressors was advanced to the convention’s attention.

Space Train reentered the conversation.

The author claimed that chugga suppressors don’t work the way they do in the movies. Jared L., claiming some experience, said that chugga suppressors actually do work better IRL. Apparently, Big Train wants us in the dark on the actual efficacy of chugga suppressors.

The author then philosophized that if the train chuggaed in the forest and no one was around to hear it, could it still choo choo? Jared L. responded that birds could hear, but we all know birds aren’t real, so his opinion has been discarded.

He also contends that the choo choo must be established as the climax. One may choo with the chugga, but it is strictly forbidden to chugga and not choo, because then it’s just disappointing.

Matt postulated “What is a spaceship, but a train in space?” Focus, dude.

Train was input into Google to bring up a definition. Spaceship was roundly rejected as a synonym for train.

THE EXPERIMENT

Following this lengthy discussion by the convention, the author organized a social experiment to test the ingrained human response. Members of the convention located in office environments were instructed to call out 8 chuggas in succession and record any responses.

The experiment largely failed, as most offices had packed up for the holidays and insufficient personnel remained to establish a control group. Human response to 8 chuggas remains untested.

However…

Jared L. performed the experiment, calling out 8 chuggas in his mostly empty office. Within three seconds, AN ACTUAL TRAIN choo-chooed in the distance.

The convention fell silent, pondering this development.

Something in the universe just responded to the call of the chuggas. In the absence of human response, the very stones cried out with the choo choo to correct the balance in the cosmos.

The convention’s conclusion?

The fabric of reality is trains, and has been all along.

Go forth in this knowledge friend, and know: the truth is inside choo.

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